Not My Kind of Love

“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.” Unfortunately I can’t take credit for that one. It’s F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of my favorite authors. But the idea of love is something I’ve always had a passion for- to learn it, it understand it, to feel it. However, I have a suspicion that love isn’t really meant to be fully comprehended, but rather enjoyed in it’s sincerity. 

But this post isn’t necessarily about finding love or my hopeless romanticism that there’s someone out there to complete us. Rather, it’s about recognizing what love is not. 

It’s time for another confession, or rather a truth. While it took a lot to write about my anxiety, I thought it necessary so I might help someone else. I have the same intention with this.

Take a moment and consider this. There’s someone you’re interested in, someone you care about, someone you believe to be nice. They say all the right things at first, they start out by treating you well- maybe doing everything you’ve always hoped for, you get comfortable, you open up with that comfort and let that person into your life. 

Then little by little you notice subtle changes in behavior. First it’s a small comment, “You’re wearing that out?” But you don’t think much of it. It happens again. “You’re just looking for attention with that outfit.” This time, you’re a little put off. You’ve never had someone say that to you before, and of course the idea of wearing something for attention is absurd- you wear something because it makes you feel good about yourself. 

The snarky, judgemental remarks continue everytime you do something this person doesn’t like, everytime it seems like they’re losing control.

Slowly, it progresses until suddenly you realize what’s going on, but it’s too late. The damage is already done. 

Emotional abuse is something that can be very difficult to recognize, but something many people experience without even knowing it. A few years ago, I went through the same type of relationship. I had no idea what was going on at first. He gave the appearance of a proper gentlemen, doing everything I could want, doting me with attention and saying all of the right things. But then it slowly became overbearing- his attention became unhealthy and his remarks toward me unwanted and mean. 

I grew more and more unhappy by the day, I couldn’t focus on school work. I felt awful about myself. It took him screaming at me for no reason to realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. As soon as I recognized that, I ended it. But that also made it worse, and him angrier because I was strong enough to leave. 

He insulted me in every way possible, tried to make me think I’d never find anyone if I left him, and called me every negative name you can think up until finally I had to file a police report and block him completely out of my life. 

Even after breaking up with him, it took a toll in every other area of my life. I lacked the confidence I once had, I didn’t think much of myself. My grades suffered, I suffered. I found myself in an actual state of depression. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t think I could do anything. But I knew I was the only one who would be able to fix me and the position I found myself in even after he was no longer in my life. 

Pulling myself out of that situation was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. I took baby steps: I exercised, I tried to do little things that would make me happy, I even forced myself to go to counseling- which was very beneficial and something I would recommend to anyone in that situation, or any that causes emotional distress. 

(Take this quote to heart.)

I don’t feel it’s necessary to go into details about what happened. What I want to focus on is the fact that love, true love, is something that uplifts your soul. You will never second guess yourself, you will never feel insecure. Real love should never make you question if you’re happy, or who you are as a person. And for those who experience anything less, for those who have someone making them feel inadequate or as if they’re not doing enough- I hope you find the courage to leave. It’s hard, it hurts, but staying will hurt more- and love, well love doesn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t hurt. And if it does, I’d argue it’s not love at all. 

One last thing, when someone puts you down, when someone bullies you or tries to take away who you are or make you feel like you’re not important- it’s not you they have an issue with, it’s themselves. You are a wonderful, beautiful person with so much to offer whoever is meant for you and you will find them if you have the courage not to settle for less than you deserve. 

And remember, the love you're looking for- the healthy, happy, passionate kind they write books and movies about- well... 

Break Up With Fear

Life is a series of moments. Moments that make us happy, moments that make us sad, moments that pass us by, and even become memories. Then there are moments that define us and impact who we become, when sometimes we find ourselves with potentially life altering decisions. Those are the moments that can lead to extraordinary events. 

A few weeks ago, I found myself competing for Miss Pennsylvania Earth United States. I didn’t think I was going to compete again, and it was a very last minute decision because I knew I was about to age out of the Miss division. I didn't even tell anyone I was competing, not because I didn’t want them to know, but because I knew my family was concerned about money and it being an investment to have even started in the first place. But something in me felt like I needed to try one more time, and the more I read about the Miss Earth system, the more I fell in love with it, the more I needed to at least try to be a part of it. 

But one thing people may not know about me is the fact I struggle with anxiety and have ever since I was a little girl. I know what it’s like to have to force yourself to do things, I know how tough it is to simply leave the house, I know all too well what it’s like to lose friends and miss opportunities because it can control you. It’s like having a fear to live at times, and when you’re someone with goals and dreams, a fear for life seems devastating. 

When I arrived in Philadelphia to check in for the regional preliminaries, I sat in my car for almost half an hour debating- struggling to get out of the car. Not because I didn’t want to compete. I had been excited for this ever since I registered, and was looking forward to meeting new friends and getting on stage again. I was struggling because my anxiety was slowly taking over. 

The truth is, I’ve found few things more empowering than having to get on stage and exuberate confidence. That’s the reason I love pageantry. It promotes self-development, and only makes you stronger the more you prepare. 

But even with my love of the Miss Earth system and pageantry, I was second guessing myself when I first arrived. I let every doubt and fear run through my mind until finally, I consciously forced myself to get out of the car. I had registered. I had made the two hour - then three and half hour with Friday traffic- drive to Philly, and I reminded myself how much I wanted to be able to help someone else.

The reason I originally started competing was to re-develop my self-confidence during a time in my life when I didn’t believe in myself at all. I needed to overcome the anxiety that was slowly becoming overwhelming due to other events that had unfortunately occurred and effected my life in an aggressively negative way. Watching the national pageants, and seeing these beautiful, accomplished women inspired me. And ever since then, I’ve hoped to do the same for someone else. 

With this in mind, I slipped off my flats for my stilettos and walked into the Hyatt at the Bellevue to check-in. And then something amazing happened, something I had hoped for but didn’t expect. I was crowned Miss Pennsylvania Earth United States 2016. And it was by far, the most surreal moment I had ever experienced. 

I’m usually private about certain details of my life, but I like to share and post inspirational things. I don't want to contribute to the negativity in the world. So I’m sharing my story in hopes that it will inspire someone. Whether you have anxiety or not, it’s for anyone with a dream. Don’t be afraid to go after what you want in life. Push past the fear and work for it. Success is perseverance. Never let anyone make you feel you don’t deserve what you want- including yourself. Remember that we are all capable of so much more than we can even imagine if we only believe in ourselves. 

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”